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    • CommentAuthoreaglerock
    • CommentTimeAug 9th 2010 edited
     
    Posted By: Joshua A.C. Newman*... unless those things are sexy to you, in which case, cool, but everything's done with enthusiastic consent in my cult.

    Ah yes; but just because you found a cult doesn't mean your followers/apostles will obey your instructions, especially once you're conveniently dead or sealed up in a cave or something. There's nothing to prevent said followers/apostles from saying things like "well, the Beatified Josh told me he wanted this when we were out on a ride together. And you can trust my word, because I rode with the Beatified Josh and you didn't". There is a Long And Venerable Tradition of such happenings.

    "The Beatified Josh spoke to me in a vision. From now on, all believers will be required to pedal their bikes backwards like German girls. All bikes will be converted by the priests so that forward pedaling is impossible; this will make it easier to avoid sinful temptation. Plus, everyone must wear tights and Lycra jumpers, for this pleases the Beatified Josh."

    (so, lash not sounding so bad now, huh?)
  1.  
    SRS BARZPNZZ

    Also, lycra on all the German girls sounds pretty good to me.



    DIG THEE MINE COMMANDMENTS

    1: WHATEVER THOU DOST TO THINE OWN SELF, ROCK THAT SHIT
    2: ROCK NOT THE SHIT OF ANOTHER UNLESS THEY REQUEST OF YOU THE ROCKING WITH ENTHUSIASM
    3: THOU MUST END ALL ROCKING IF THINE OTHER UTTERETH THE SAFE WORD
    4: IF THY BIKE BE SCRAPER, OR IF IT BE TARCK; IF IT BE OF MANY GEARS OR THREE, OR ONE; IF IT BE YOUR BIKE, AND NOT FACTORY ASSEMBLED, NONE SHALL MOCK IT, FOR IT IS YOUR BIKE, AND YOU HAVE ROCKED THAT SHIT
    YEA IF THOU SEEST THE BIKE OF ANOTHER AND IT VEXETH YOU THAT THE CHOICES OF ANOTHER BE OTHER THAN YOURS; THAT THEIR CHOICES BE ABOMINATION IN THINE EYES, THOU SHALT REMEMBER THAT IT IS THEIR OWN BIKE, AND THEY HAVE, IN THEIR WAY, ROCKED THAT SHIT. THOU MUST CELEBRATE THEIR ROCKING WITH ROCKING OF THINE OWN. LET NO SHIT BE UNROCKED IN THE CELEBRATION OF THOSE WHOSE BIKES ARE TRULY THEIR OWN; THAT DO AS THEY WILL; THAT RIDE AS THEY RIDE
    5: IF THOU TURNST OUT TO BE WRONG IN THY CHOICES FOR THY BIKE, THOU SHALT BE GRACIOUS TO THOSE WHO HELPED THEE FIGURE THAT SHIT OUT, LO THOU SHALT REMEMBER THEIR HELP, THAT THOU MAYST OFFER SUCH HELP TO OTHERS
    6: IF THOU OFFERST HELP UNTO ANOTHER, AND THAT OTHER CHOOSETH TO BE A DICKWEED, RATHER THAN TO ROCK THAT SHIT, THOU SHALT REMEMBER THAT THE DICKWEED IST NOT THINE PROBLEM, AND THAT THOU HAS DONE RIGHT TO GRACIOUSLY OFFER OF YOUR EFFORT AND EXPERIENCE, AND THAT THOU ART NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DICKWEED'S BIKE; NOR THEIR ATTITUDE; NOR THEIR PLAID TOP TUBE PAD, THOUGH IT BE ABOMINATION UNTO THEE
    • CommentAuthorMaxThrash
    • CommentTimeAug 9th 2010
     
    Yeah, sounds pretty good, but I need one of those religions with more hate. Otherwise it makes it hard to justify a lot of my favorite wars. Sorry.
    • CommentAuthorRuffinit
    • CommentTimeAug 9th 2010
     
    Okay, I'll join. I especially like #4. What is kind of unnerving is that you thought these out fairly quickly..
    • CommentAuthoreaglerock
    • CommentTimeAug 9th 2010
     
    Posted By: RuffinitWhat is kind of unnerving is that you thought these out fairly quickly..

    What kind of wood do they make those vampire-impaling stakes out of? It's oak, isn't it?
  2.  
    Posted By: eaglerockWhat kind of wood do they make those vampire-impaling stakes out of? It's oak, isn't it?

    Very funny, but I think Josh would require a stake made from an early '90s Cannondale road frame in maybe 56cm....
  3.  
    54, please.

    And Max,

 
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